Just show me the damn recipe already!

"Oh, I see you're looking for a recipe!" said Google. "Let me find some for you!"

"Okay, here are 6,000 or so. But I really recommend these top 10. Look at them, they're perfect."

"Thanks, Google. That's so helpful! Let me click on the first one here..."

The page took 14 seconds to fully render thanks to all the tracking scripts and ads and general bad programming. Years of blindly enabling and disabling plugins in the WordPress backend had left the site bloated, crippled and delicate. No one knew which parts could be removed without bringing the site to its knees so everything just stayed in there and it was the page load times that suffered the most.

Finally, the page stopped load-jerking into view.

"Hey reader, you're looking for a recipe! Sweet! I've got one of those! But first let me tell you about my hilarious weekend when my life-partner or kid did something really funny."

"But I just wanted..."

"No, really it's worth it. I promise."

"But I got two screaming kids here myself and I just need to get dinner rea.."

"So we were out in the park and of course we had to go back to the house because little Jonnykins forgot his frog suit again! What a little scamp."

Our reader rolled their eyes and almost went back to Google in frustration but they were already in this far, so they kept listening, nodding politely at the rambling story with no obvious point.

"...anyway, and we found some amazing looking squash so we bought one and roasted it and it was so delicious we actually ate the leftovers instead of feeding them to the dog!"

The story finally over, the recipe came into view. But just as our recipe-seeker started to read it, it is blocked by some man-made monstrosity. It's a huge square that blocks everything from our recipe-seeker's view. It screams at our recipe-seeker:


The recipe-seeker tries to close it but can't find the x button. After a 10 second countdown, the x button does appear, but at that same time out of frustration, our recipe-seeker went back to Google for result #2.

But for the recipe-seeker, the same scene plays out on the next site. And the next. Over and over. Again and again.

Our innocent recipe-seeker's phone shuts down because the bloated websites have chewed through what little battery life they had left at this point in the day. Our recipe-seeker's blood boils with frustration and this leads to a heart attack. And they can't call 911 because their phone is dead. So they collapse on the floor and die. Dead, they are unable to prepare dinner for the two waiting children tied up in the basement. The children starve for days until a neighbor hears their screams and breaks into the house with an axe.

Later, a police officer doing the investigation sees the last recipe site open on the newly-charged victim's phone and thinks, "hey, I could use some new recipes!" and signs up for the newsletter.

Sure, you got a new subscriber, but was it worth it? WAS IT??

And that's what's wrong with the internet. Or it might be me. Anything's possible.